Mondays

My mom tells me that I always had an aversion to Mondays when I was in school. I used to refuse to get ready on Monday mornings & feign stomach cramps or something till the rickshaw fellow came & left. Then, I'd become okay within a few minutes and run to "Cat Videos" near my place & rent GI-Joe Videos and watch all day long. Habits die hard & this one has stuck to me. I hate Monday mornings & of late Mondays in its entirety. Here's why,

* I always feel like a water-soaked log on Monday mornings. My eyelids feel sewn to my face & refuse to pop open even after repeated knocks on my room's door & ONLY after my dad threatens to break open the door, I manage to get up.

* The toothpaste tastes like crap only on Monday mornings & leave a sour taste right at the beginning of a fresh week.

* The shower malfunctions on Monday mornings. ALWAYS.

* My socks never match.

* The iron-wala always creases my flat front pants.

* Breakfast tastes like Tar+Salt+Soya, thanks to the toothpaste-taste in my mouth.

* I always search for my access card & watch on Monday mornings 'cos I throw them astray when I get home on Saturday. Mmm, maybe this is my fault. But, I blame Mondays!!!!

* The cute girl in the apartment at the end of the street always leaves early on Monday mornings.

* My bus is bang on time on Mondays. Never a minute late. Never a minute early. I always miss it, and end up paying 80 rupees to a auto fellow who does not pity my situation, but expects my sympathy on the issue of growing petrol prices.

* My boss is always at the gate, coming out for a smoke & notices that I am 15 minutes late. Only on Mondays.

* My Lotus notes takes 10 minutes to load 'cos the server is overloaded on Mondays.

* I get to know from my colleague that my boss had called on the office intercom 3 times in the past 15 minutes. Only on Mondays.

* There is something wrong in the shop floor, at three different places, at the SAME time. Only on Mondays.

* My team gives me the good news that we made a blunder last week. Key is that enough stress is made on "WE". So, Monday mornings are reserved for blitz-meetings & frantic running around the office.

* My project presentation that was a big hit at the meeting last Friday does not make any sense to my boss on Monday morning. He wants me to redo the presentation & beam it to three countries. In three different languages. The meeting is scheduled for 7 in the evening so that my peers in France, Germany or Switzerland can relax in their leather recliners during THEIR office hours and listen to me.

* Canteen food tastes like Jail food. NO, I have not been to Prison! I just assume that food there is bad and stale.

* I ALWAYS get stuck in traffic on Mondays while getting back home. My bosses did not think it through building a Nuclear Engineering firm on an IT corridor. Morons.

* The cute girl at the end of the street ALWAYS notices my disheveled state returning home.

* There are guests at Home on Monday evenings. Sigh.

* I always lose playing God of War on PlayStation on Mondays.

* By the time I go to sleep, I have a stirring awakening that my weekend was completely wasted, Monday turned out to be hopeless and I should go bury myself somewhere!!

There you go. This is just a brief list that came to my mind. Apart from this, there are a million incidents that occur on Mondays. But the ones above are the most frequent. I favor a motion banning Mondays. Don't know if it makes any sense. But this is a rant, ain't it? So, I get to make my wish :P

Stars & Stripes

I love Politics. Not the crap that goes on here at home though. Fools from one generation spoiling the country & laying the foundation for their descendants to come in to power & spoil it even more. I love the elections that happen in the United States of America. It is a complicated & long election. One that is totally entertaining. And worth following!! Okay, I admit it! Canal+ in France does not show any English programme. So, I was stuck with CNN & was hooked to this "Super Tuesday" blockbuster unfolding in front of me.

Here's a gist of the Electoral process.

The first part is called the primary. That is the part which is in progress right now. During this part each party (Democrats and Republicans) will choose a candidate. They choose by holding an election among registered party members in each U.S. State. Based on each state's results, candidates get "delegates". For instance, in New Hampshire, Clinton and Obama each got 39% of the vote, so each got 9 delegates. Edwards got 17% of the vote, so he got 4 delegates.

The primary ends at the party's National Convention. At the convention each delegate is represented by an actual person appointed by the party. Most people/delegates must vote based on the state elections. However about 20% of them are "Super Delegates". These are party leaders and people currently serving in political offices. They can vote for whomever they want. Based on the vote at the National Convention, the party chooses its candidate.

In the general election, the Republican and Democratic candidate face each other. Often, other independent candidates also run, but only rarely do they become significant in the election.

The general election is held on a single day (Nov 4, 2008). On that day, all registered voters can vote for anyone they want but typically vote for either the Republican or Democratic candidate.

Rather than just comparing the total vote counts, there is a system for determining the winner called the "Electoral College". Each state is worth a certain number of "electors". For example, New Hampshire is worth 4 electors. Whatever candidate gets the most votes in a state gets ALL the electors for that state.

There are a total of 538 electors. The number of electors in each state is based on that state's population. A candidate needs to win the majority of electors (270) to win the presidency.

Whoever wins the election on Nov 4, 2008 becomes the President on January 20, 2009.

What's interesting is that for a huge period, Senator Hillary Clinton had this race in the kitty. But a hugely unknown candidate, Barrack Obama threw his hat in to the race & things are really really interesting now. That shows you what a great country it is — when an African-American with a Kansas mother and a Kenyan father, who spent time growing up in Indonesia and is running for President. Truly awesome. And the best part is, he is kicking Hillary's butt, county after county.

Hillary Clinton has all the experience she needs. A great campaign manager with a good team that knows how to win. Fair or dirty. She has Bill Clinton (they are still married :P) with her to give her the much needed support when it comes to the grueling campaigns. She has a huge majority of the female vote. BUT, she hasn't been smart from time to time. Here's the biggest one. Mrs. Clinton, trying to make a point about presidential leadership and Obama’s constant references to Dr. King, the civil rights icon, said: “Dr. King’s dream began to be realised when President Lyndon Johnson passed the Civil Rights Act of 1964. It took a president to get it done.” I said "Mrs. Clinton" instead of Hillary because the entire speech just reeks of Bill Clinton's smug attitude. And by the way, Mrs. Clinton, BIG mistake. Undermining Martin Luther King when your major opponent is rallying for the African-American vote is a BIG mistake. Obama has never looked back after that. He has grown from strength to strength. Winning county after county. 10 in a row. Even at places where he had no hope 2 months back.

But the fun part is when the news channels take this in to their hands & make good viewing out of it. And who better than Jimmy Kimmel & Jay Leno :D

Here are few classics.

“Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday, he accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It’s a fairy tale in which a horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens, and then a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him. So, you can see why he’s very upset.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Well, congratulations to Barack Obama, the big winner of the Democratic caucus. Stunning victory. He got 57% of the youth vote, 35% of the female vote, and 100% of Iowa’s black vote, a guy named Larry.” –Jay Leno

“Senator Barack Obama was in Los Angeles last night for a huge campaign fundraiser. That shows you what a great country this is — when an African-American with a Kansas mother and a Kenyan father, who spent time growing up in Indonesia and is running for president, spending time in a state where Spanish-speaking people have elected an Austrian governor.” –Jay Leno

“Senator Hillary Clinton is back from her fact-finding trip to Iraq. She had to cut the trip short because she had to address a growing threat here at home — Barack Obama.” –Jay Leno

" Hillary Clinton is still doing very well in one state - the state of denial, ladies and gentlemen. Well, after winning 10 in a row, political experts say there's a very good chance that Barack Obama could end up as our next president. See, that shows you the progress we've made in this country. We can have a black man in the White House. I remember when we couldn't get a black man in the cast of 'Friends.'" --Jay Leno

Now, Hillary Clinton is left to throwing tantrums and handbags at Obama. Frustration is clearly visible. The dream is slipping away. True, Obama could end up losing this election & Mrs. Clinton could become the President. But, what this election has shown is that people's votes actually do count. Well, maybe not in Florida :P

* Thanks to answerbag.com for all the insight on the electoral process.
* And thanks to Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman & Jon Stewart for making this an entertaining election.

Love Actually

Love actually, is just one simple little word. Chocolates, flowers, pretty sparkling diamonds are weapons used to express undying love and adoration. There is a day of the year even set aside for love! And quite frankly, I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, people don’t get all mushy and lovey-dovey about hate or disgust or sarcasm. Those feelings have simple meanings, too. And aren’t all feelings important?

In Greek mythology, there is this dude Eros, who is commonly known as Cupid. Everyone knows who Cupid is! He’s that slick little guy with wings, a diaper, and heart shaped arrows, which he shoots at people’s backsides (so they don’t see it coming). He makes them fall helplessly in love with the first person they lay eyes on. Sigh. How romantic! Yeah right!! Real cool getting shot in the ass with an arrow from some little fruitcake with wings and an adult diaper.

Let’s take a look at some famous quotes,
“The only way to speak the truth is to speak lovingly.” - Henry David Thoreau.
“A loving heart is the truest wisdom.” – Charles Dickens
To them, I say, “Bite me!” Love is just a four-letter word that horny teens use to get their girlfriends in bed and old people use to describe how much they enjoy bingo. And those in-between? Love is easier to say and pretty less confusing.

The whole marketing charade on Valentine’s Day is taking things a bit too far. But big ol’ hearts on boxers is just taking it way too far. As is having stuffed gorillas that sing ‘Wild Thing’ and giant corny cards chock full of glitter and sap. It is a statistical fact (one that was confirmed with a few phone calls to a few of my college mates) that more women are proposed to on St. Valentine’s Day than on any other day of the year. “How sweet! How original! How romantic!” people say. Please. I’d much rather propose on Deepavali. If the shit hits the fan, you can throw a thousand-wala on the girl & blaze a few dozen rockets on the guy/s (who, trust me, inavariably want to break you into pieces) who feel hard done by.

Love really isn’t as easy and tender as it is portrayed. It is a hard game with confusing rules and lots of twists and turns and dead ends. There will be breaks and bruises in the tough game of love-love plays dirty. And it’s really a crying shame that so many people fall for love’s tricks. Hell, when you think about it, it’s really much easier to be grumpy and hate…well, everything. No heartbreaks, no let downs, and no spending hundreds of rupees on overpriced flowers (which will wither and die in a day) and fancy jewelry (that have to be real or else it is happy hands land for you for a really really long time).

You know, I think hate and it’s affiliates and sponsors should get a holiday like love does. We should have a Devil’s Day or Enemy Day. Believe it or not, there is a National Hugging Day, Jan 21^st. Sigh! I am going to demand equal rights for people with bad attitudes, sour outlooks, and grumpy dispositions. And I am going to request that a law be made about public displays of affection and any other love-esque outbursts.

It will be as follows:
“Any person seen in public, touching or fondling in such a way to annoy a person with a bad disposition or who is having a grumpy moment, will be taken into custody by the Hate Protectors. They will then be sentenced to the following: Forced to eat five million heart shaped candies, they will then be painted red and dressed like Cupid, diaper and all, and forced to sing several songs of love. Aren’t laws great? I simply love the concept of rules and regulations, judgments and freedom of opinion. I tell you, some of these lovey-dovey, mushy, “I wuv you!” “No! I WUV you, snookie ookie bear!” sweethearts just piss me off. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate love or anything. I totally love my family and friends. But a line has got to be drawn sometime, somewhere. And that’s what I am doing. Drawing the line.
Freedom for the crabasses and sour-pusses alike!

PS : FYI, this IS a public rant. If anyone finds this offensive, please go take a hike :P

PPS : To all the truly lucky few, who are actually in love and don’t need a public day to profess your love to each other, I wish you the very best in life!

National Treasure vs. Chidhambara Ragasiyam

It is almost close to a year since I have been to a theatre to watch a movie. Ok, I did watch Sivaji in Frankfurt; but watching a Rajini movie with drunk Germans, struggling to follow the plot line AND translate at the same time took away all the fun. So, when my friends surprised me by calling me for the new Nicholas Cage movie "National Treasure : Book of secrets", I was damn excited,
(a) 'cos I was meeting ALL my friends together after a long time
(b) IMDB gave the movie a 6.8/10 (which is pretty good)

So, after beating the ever-increasing OMR traffic & flying over Gemini Bridge like Superman (:P), we landed at Sathyam theatres 15 minutes late & the punk at the door refused to let us in!! What an insult :D After a LOT of shouting & threatening bad publicity, we were let in!! Anyway, let's get to the movie.

The movie is passable. It is not anything great! The plotline is very predictable & downright easy at times. Here's the plot synopsis from IMDB (I don't have the patience to review the movie)

While Ben is presenting new information about John Wilkes Booth and the 18 pages missing from Booth's diary, one man stands up and presents a missing page of John Wilkes Booth's diary. Thomas Gates, Ben's great-grandfather, is mentioned in the page. It shows that Ben's great-grandfather could have been involved with Abraham Lincoln's murder. When doing more research, the conspiracy takes Ben, Abigail, and Riley to Buckingham Palace (which they break into). It takes them to a book in the White House (which they break into also) and they even steal a page from the book. But in order to see more from the book, their choice is either get elected president or kidnap the President of the United States. Which do they choose? It's obvious. The conspiracy then crosses to Mount Rushmore and they even mention the JFK conspiracy. Can Ben clear his family's name? Or will his family be linked to the murder of Abraham Lincoln?

Sounds exciting? Well, its on the same wavelength as some of our Tamil movies or serials!!! It is that boring! So, in the intermission, we decided to create a story of our own. "Chidambara Ragasiyam" starring our very own Captain Vijayakanth! :D

Here 's the plot synopsis!

While Captain is presenting new information about a well known criminal and the 18 pages missing from the evening edition of Mangayar Malar released when the criminal killed our President, one man stands up and presents a missing page of Mangayar Malar. Our Captain's great-grandfather, is mentioned in the page. It shows that Captain's great-grandfather could have been involved with the President's murder. When doing more research, the conspiracy takes Captain, Mumtaz, and Jimmy (Captain's dog) to Buckingham Canal (also known as Cooum in chennai). It takes them to a book in the Rippon's building and they even steal a page from Kungumam Deepavali Special edition. But in order to see more from the book, their choice is either get elected president or kidnap the President of India, namma Vadivelu Sir. Which do they choose? It's obvious. They kidnap Vadivelu who leads them to Nayar's tea shop on Ranganathan street & they find the missing pages of Mangayar Malar!! Jimmy leads them on a hunt through Pondy Bazaar and they finally find the hidden treasure in Kumaran Silks!!! And Captain clears the name of his ancestor :P

Our story made a lot more sense. It had emotion, a top cast, Jimmy the mutt and 6 songs. T Rajendhar also makes a special appearance as Captain's father. What more could you ask for?? Chidambara Ragasiyam to the Oscar's I say!!

Woof Woof!

I have always wanted a pet. But my parents refused to get me a dog when I was young 'cos they felt that it was too much of a responsibility to feed it & keep it clean. And who could blame them? It was quite an achievement to feed me in the first place :P

So, now that I am all grown up & capable of taking care of something (or someone :P), I decided to invest in a new pet. The best pet I found was the i-Dog from Hasbro Interactive.



Ok ok! It was jus' a lame reason to justify the purchase of this uber cool gadget!! It simply rocks!! Jus' connect it to any music device & it reacts to the music! Depending upon the type of music and the amount of attention the i-Dog receives, it will develop a particular personality, moods, and music taste. 7 color changing LEDs shine though the white plastic on the i-Dog's broad face, and its ears and head are both motorized. When happy, the i-Dog will cycle its LEDs though rapid patterns in different colors while it shakes its head and flips its ears. Sometimes it barks, or if sad, whimpers. To keep an i-Dog happy, the manual recommends 5 minutes of musical nourishment every hour, as well as a fair amount of love, which one extends an i-Dog though a tap on the head or giving its nose button a poke. Love my foot!!

I felt that my dog needed to be one badass mutt! So, i fed it Metallica's S&M masterpiece & boy oh boy, it just came to life! But half way thro' the album, the bugger went to sleep! Obviously, this would not do. I yelled at him and rubbed his nose in the prime of a Limp Bizkit album to teach him a lesson, then started up a steady diet of satanism, namely System of A Down. Glowing fire crept back into the pup's eyes, and he switched up his music excretions to a moody rock groove. Personality established, I cut the music and just let him chill.

The pup is resting now :)

Milan

To pee or not to pee

I was damn excited about travelling to Italy. Milan has been on the top of my "Places to visit before I die" list & to go there at such a young age (I know that one wiseass is probably making a note to remind me of my age when she speaks to me next) was a dream come true. So, with my pulse racing, I reached Paris, having spent New Year's on an Air France plane with the only person in my age group being a 12 year old boy who was going to Disneyland. Sigh.

Having caught a shuttle flight from Paris CDG to Milan, I set foot into the place of my dreams. Women, Fashion, Pizza, Wine & Ferrari!!! What I did get was a wait of approximately 5 hours 'cos my luggage got misplaced. I did get my stuff back, but had to field a lot of questions about its contents.

It was snowing heavily. I had never experienced snowfall before & it was a pleasant feeling. The downside was that everyone (read as women) was wrapped up in layer after layer of clothing & the rich folk decided to keep their million dollar Ferraris in the garage. Sigh again.

2 weeks later, I had to move to Lyon, to start a new chapter of my life. I had no idea of what was waiting for me in Lyon. Totally anxious, I reached Milan Centrale, to catch my TGV superfast train to Lyon. The train was slated to start from Platform 1 on my ticket, but the listing showed a train to Paris at that platform. Little did I know that the train to Lyon would eventually go to Paris. So after running back and forth between the platforms and the inquiry offices, struggling to find someone who understood English & my queries, I became queasy & wanted to go to the rest-room. Here's where the real fun starts.

The rest-room or "WC" as it is known in Italy was on the other end of the station. Dragging my luggage along with me, I made the expedition to the other end. The entry to the rest-room was restricted & I had to pay 0.7 Euro to gain "entrance". Not 1 Euro or 0.5 Euro. 0.7 Euro. When a man has to pee, his greatest enemy is such ridiculous pay systems. The damn machine refused to accept anything other that 0.5Euro+0.2Euro combination. It refused to accept a higher denomination!!! So, cursing GE systems (which is one of my company's biggest competitors in Europe) for hatching a devious plan to kill me, I looked around to find somebody else to help me out with some change. And then, the following happend.

A well dressed gentleman, on the other side of the automatic doors was letting people through by pressing the Exit button from the inside & collecting a token of appreciation in small change from their end. He beckoned towards me to come through the gates. But, being an Indian, and one with high moral integrity *cough cough* (Shut up, vandy :) ), and majorly influenced by the fact that there was a CCTV camera monitoring the entrance, I refused to accept the stranger's offer.

I managed to go to the nearest shop that was selling cigarettes, and asked for some change. The nice shopkeeper refused to lend me some change unless I bought something from her. I bought a pack of cigarettes (I don't smoke btw), got the magical amount of money, ran to the WC, paid the ass-of-a-machine, and went inside.

I was just about to, you know, do my thing, when I noticed the gentleman move towards me with intent. Obviously I had pissed him off. Pun not intended. I had deprived him a chance to earn that vital extra few cents that would enable him to finally fulfil his dreams of a Harvard education!! AND, I also noticed a camera INSIDE the rest-room. What kind of a sick country wants to watch people relieve themselves?? Sick!! So, under extreme pressure, I finished what I had come in to do, grabbed my luggage & ran to the platform nearby. And then, something else happened.

Little did I know that a train from Naples had just arrived at that platform. The train was full of football fans who had come to "enjoy" a football game between Naples FC & AC Milan. They were shouting at the top of their voices & whatever they were saying did not go well with the volatile Italian Police. They felt obliged to release tear-gas on the hapless supporters & I got mixed in the madness and lost one piece of my luggage. My sis had warned me about pickpockets in Milan, but not about luggage-thieves. After lodging a complaint to the Police & informing my insurance agents about the loss, I made the trip to Lyon the next day. In one piece & with a brand new wardrobe :)

Milan did not turn out to be the way I expected it to be. The fashionable women were decked out in full length coats. Sigh. The Ferraris were in their garages (I did manage to see Kimi's car though & a Lambhorgini). And Pizza wasn't that great. And oh, if anyone goes "Oh my God!!! You went to Milan!!!!!! That is so damn cool!! I seriously envy you!!", please go take a look yourselves. You might fare better than me.